It's funny how when you look at other people and you see that girl pining after her boyfriend who is blatantly cheating on her and you think "That could never happen to me. I would never let it happen."

It's funny how when you think you got it all under control and you would never let a silly thing like love get in the way of more important things.

It's funny how you think that you wouldn't ever be the one to text first/call first and question his whereabouts like a psycho maniac girlfriend-exactly the person you promised yourself you would never ever become.

It's funny how you used to do so well on your own and now you need this person like a crutch.

It's funny how easy it is to trust a person and even easier for him to take that trust for granted.

I am scared. Frankly. That I could be turning into someone I vowed exactly not to become. Not that things aren't going well, and not that everything I said above has happened to me, but I can see it happening. And for that possibility to even pop in my head... crap.

The guys are shopping for groceries and you're left with the trolley. =_=

My family went off to Penang for a holiday, and the guys came over to cook dinner. It was tons of fun. HY and Nick (the two master chefs), Josh, Maxey, T, Bean, Hanyet + bf were all here.  Ohmygosh, I want to open Nick a restaurant so I can eat in it three times a day. He is awesome. He whipped up duck with steamed bun and special hoisin sauce (you stack the duck with the sauce on the bun and eat it piping hot), Marche's mushrooms (shitake mushrooms stir fried Marche-style. Awe.Some.), stuffed chicken with mashed potato and bacon, homemade garlic bread, and rabbit food (salad with bleu cheese. zuchinni, cherry tomatoes, lettuce, red and yellow peppers). Kyaaaaa >_< It was sooo good. Every single thing tasted delicious, like a gourmet meal o_O

Nick and HY bickered like kids over how the bacon was supposed to be fried, how the garlic was to be shredded, etc etc.

At one point, when Nick was stuffing the chicken, he said "Hold the breasts together."

"Stick it in deeper."

XD

All I did was clean up around them. Oh and I peeled two potatoes. Yup.

They stayed the night since I was alone. And the best part was when I woke up in the morning and trudged downstairs Nick and HY were frying onions, made scrambled eggs, pancakes, and fried ham with melted cheese. I practically teared on the spot.

Everyone had tons of fun. After a few cans of beer, everybody was doing yoga poses at 1 in the morning XD There was a few pillow fights in the tv room and an impromptu meeting at 4 in the morning when everyone was supposed to be asleep. We were asleep but somehow, everyone woke up one by one and gathered in the upstairs hall to talk. My dog had a new name (from Tiggr, to Bubu because like Nick says "He looks like a Bubu.") And he was so spoilt by the guys (belly rubs, meals under the table) that he wanted to follow them home just now. At one point someone said "Does anybody remember we have finals this Wednesday?"

Oh man.  We all agreed we should do this more often. Nick says he wants to make pizza the next time around *glee*

What's worse than watching other people get hurt? When you're the one who is hurting them. I might not mean it, I might not want it, I might have the best of intentions, but the end result is still the same. And there's nothing I can do about it, because nothing I do can fix it, because I am the problem, not what I do.

It's frustrating.

Maybe it's how I set standards for myself, and I expect everyone else to do the same. My views on things are fixed, and I can't see things from the other side. My problem is that I hate people controlling me, or telling me what to do, and having excuses for that when I get annoyed. "It's how I care." "I was concerned." "I have your intentions at heart." Yes, I know that. Yes, yes and yes I know you care. But this is not how I want Ed to care. This is not the way I want people to show that they care about me. Why do I have to accept it when I really cannot stand it? Why do I have to bear with it when it's driving me crazy? Being pushy and persistent might be good, this is how some people burrow their way to the front. But there has to be a limit, they have to know when to stop. Nobody can force their feelings onto others, and pressurize other people into liking them when the feeling simply isn't there. Yes I know he's upset. Yes I know he's jealous. But everybody has these feelings. It's how you control them and not let them overtake who you are. One sorry was more than enough, twice was horrible and I have already forgiven him three times. When he assumes wrong things about me and gets angry at me for them, it's not cool. Especially when he has no right to be angry at me regardless or not whether those things he thought were true. I am like this. I don't come sugar coated. I refuse to stand there and let him poke his pins into me like I'm some pincushion.  The more he provokes me expecting me to back down, the more I enjoy pissing him off by doing those things that I know he doesn't like.

I have already said this many many many times. I can't stand betrayal. I cannot stand it when people fling hurtful words so easily and using "Sorry, I didn't mean it" as an excuse later. Like it can be wiped off. Like it's a trivial thing. For me, there is no going back. I forgive but I don't ever forget.

All this drama is taking a toll on my studies. I can't study. I can't do my homework. It's not a laughable thing. Because I care, I am not blowing him off like a stranger. And because I am not giving him the cold shoulder, he keeps coming back.

My friends are rolling their eyes each time I mention his name. He has issues. He's crazy. He's desperate. He's fucking pushy.

I am beginning to think that maybe it's time I stepped away since he doesn't appreciate the friendship.

When I don't feel like I can hold on any longer.

When the weight on my shoulders become harder to bear.

When I feel my fingers slipping off.

When I feel like I can't wake up. When I don't feel like waking up.

When every step becomes harder to take.

When every decision made is doubted.

When faith is broken and friendships are lost.

When relationships are made and I am forced to remember the past. Should I take the next step? Would history repeat itself?

When it turns out you are the same. Like the rest of them.

When too many sorries are said. And once was more than enough.

There comes a moment where everything seems trivial.

Where the important things become meaningless.

In that five minutes, under the rain, I am free.

Still alive. just barely.

Sorry. Will catch up with you guys later. I do read your posts, I just need time to leave my mark.

Tired.

A ton of work left to be done. But I'll finish it.

Cheers.

Kubo-chan I think your prayers worked :))

I'm handling my homework a lot better this few days. I finished my assignment for Biotechnology (which I later found out was not due this Friday but the next) and got a headstart for my Chemistry report.

Although lots of random people typed in lots of random stuff when I wasn't looking/ going to the loo/ chatting with friends.


There's this really unpleasant guy in my Marketing tutorial that rubs everybody the wrong way. All of us have to present our tutorial homework and we do it in turns. Marks are appointed to those who ask questions to the presenter after he/she has finished with the presentation. This guy never fails to ask questions. It's not so much the questions that annoy me, it's the condescending tone he uses when he asks the questions. He doesn't really wants answers, he just wants to make all of us look bad.

Today, Nick was presenting his homework. He had a powerpoint prepared but he could not open the document since the Microsoft Office version he used was too advanced than the uni's version so they weren't compatible. He told our tutor he would do the presentation without the aid of the powerpoint, to which my tutor agreed.

At this point, the guy wasn't in the class yet. He was late or something. He barged in halfway through though and when Nick was done with his presentation (which included a video he edited that had gay themes as a laugh to differentiate between genders.) he asked if anyone had questions. The guy put up his hand and said "First of all, let me just comment on your presentation."

To which Nick nodded.

And that guy continued, "It was really long and draggy and really boring. I mean, you didn't even have visual aids to guide us. You should have prepared slides or something so we wouldn't have to rely on our imagination to figure out what you're talking about."

I was annoyed because he was late, he didn't know what had happened before-hand but he attacked him straightaway. So I voiced out, "He did prepare slides. But the versions weren't compatible."

I don't think he heard me. But the tutor jumped to Nick's defense.

After he was done with that, he attacked Nick's video saying it wasn't relevant to the topic. The topic was by the way, submitting a proposal on the type of food outlets that would be opened in our university since the student numbers were increasing. We had to give our opinions on what type of food concept would be appropriate and justify them. Nick said he was trying to show the difference in behaviour between men and women. The guy said "If I was a shareholder in your company, I would be like, 'What the $%$#?' And besides you didn't comment on the secondary data or define the problem in the first place."

This annoyed DG so much that he voiced out loud (since the guy didn't hear me in the first place), "He DID. YOU were late!"

The whole incident sparked into a class debate. But by the end of the hullabaloo, nearly all of us were jumping to Nick's defense.

The guy really annoys me. But what's scarier, I have to present my homework next week =.=;; I hate giving speeches, I hate public speaking, and now I have to deal with this idiot possibly asking me questions that I couldn't possibly answer.

I told DG, Nick and the rest of my friends to pray with me so that the guy might fall sick and not attend class next week. Seriously, I should spike his drink or something.

Han Yet said she glared daggers at him last week when she did her presentation so he shut up and settled with only one question. Maybe I should do the same. DG said he intends to seduce the guy by wearing a miniskirt and showing off his hairy legs the next time it was his turn to present.

It might just work.

I can't breathe.

I can't juggle my studies. It's too much. All of us were racking our heads for our bio lab reports up until the second we handed in our reports. My Bio lecturer sucks. I went home and crashed and woke up and had an hour left to finish my web test which was due at ten pm. I was panicking and couldn't think but Nick saved my ass and did it for me. Guilty that I didn't do it myself, but at this point in time, I couldn't care less. I'll buy him lunch some day.

I hate giving in and I just did. I hate becoming like another student, having a senior lab report so it's easier to do my own but I just did it. I'm one of them. When it came to the task, I failed.

Aurgh.

I need sleep.

I need to write.

I need to read.

Am I in the wrong course?

I look over at the Mass Comm students and they seem much happier to me.

Am I just lazy?

Have I lost my mojo?

DG is cute =( But people are talking about us and it sucks because I don't want the friendship to be ruined and for all I know, I'm a friend, nothing more. Still, when people say things like "What's your boyfriend's name?" ideas get into my head. Stop it.

I must stop shopping. I bought a bazillion tops, shoes and bags last week alone with three different groups of people. Retail therapy works... for a while.

I miss T. I don't see her often even though we are in the same university.

I miss PK. who's in UK.

I miss Kw. who's stuck in his little medical hole.

I miss Gabe. who's in Aussie.

Why are the people who actually care all so far away?

And then there are those who you want shipped to other countries. Preferably with FedEx.

I must start filing my notes. I must start printing notes.

I miss happy drunken highs.

I wanna shoot my boredself during the holiday when I was whining about there was nothing to dooooo. Shut up you. Happy now? There are tons of stuff to do and you haven't started any of them.

Last year I doggedly went to work even though my ex protested it was Valentine's Day. We had lunch but I made him not declare it a day to celebrate, just a normal lunch between two people who are seeing each other.

Last year, a bunch of old men asked me to join them for dinner because they thought it was sad I had to work on Valentine's Day. I was sad. Because people kept coming in to eat past closing hours.

Last year, there was a long line at 10 pm (closing time) outside my totally unromantic ramen stand  restaurant. Seriously? I shouldn't have worked. Should have stayed home.

This year, I went out with friends on Feb 13, determinedly canceled dates on the 14th, and I'm going out again on the 15th.

"Watcha doing on the 14th?"

"ohhh, can't go anywhere. The painters are coming over to my home to get ready for Chinese New Year :) " (Speaking of which. I can't wait ^^ Just four (and a half) more days till Sunday! No wait. The celebration starts on Saturday! Alcohol, family gatherings, trashy card games, dirty jokes, new clothes, money, ahhhhhh, I really can't wait.)

I really don't mind staying home and being fed dinner (ohkay, perhaps possibly cooking for a loved one too -_-) and cuddling with a loved one on the day, I just don't like the whole crazyexpensiveflowers expensive overpriced dinner omygod.  Flowers are crazy expensive x_X And they DIE! Really Fast! I get sad. I'm not a flower person. With that money, I could have gotten another bottle of fresh smelling perfume~! (Or diamonds. Oho. Or gadgets. CDs. Clothes. Bags. Shoes.) I mourn the money spent on flowers. And so is dinner! It all comes in sets, there is no such thing as ala carte, and you wait a billion years for the food to arrive!

T'is annoying.

Had a game of badminton with Ed, WH and T today. Eh.. it's weirder and weirder. Funny vibe going on between EdandI and WhandT. Which is not how I want things to work out. I can't talk to WH without getting funny looks from T and Ed and if Ed doesn't stop texting me day and night and question my whereabouts like he has the fucking right, I'm going to blow.

It's always. "where are you. Who are you with. What are your plans for today. Who did you shisha with. Why are you up so early at this hour? Who have you been talking to."

Gah.

I'm good at a lot of things but I'm never the best. I'm content with where I stand right now, and I think to myself, the reason why I'm never the best is because I'm content with the way things are. I don't have strong motivations, or if I do, they never last for me to finish through with my aspirations.

I have many ideas, but never the conviction nor the patience to bring them to life properly. I edit things out and keep things happy and smiley and shiny in my head. The holes get filled up with indifference and denial. My feelings are jumbled up, and change from second to second. I get what people are trying to tell me most of the time, but I don have the eloquence to tell them that I understand.

I have great ambitions but I'm not sure if I'm able achieve them. I have great expectations on myself but I do not believe that I can take the first step to live up to them.

I hate it when friends pigeonhole me, even if it might be true, but I'd like to think that I'm more versatile than that. Which might not be so true.

Most of all, I don't really know if the path I'm taking is correct, even though this is a question I should have long answered two years ago. I could have been a doctor, a vet, if I really fought for it. I truly believe it. But I lack the faith in myself.

Maybe putting this in black and white will let me find that something to push myself into doing something truly great, and live up to my own expectations.