Peering up the Stairs

It's funny how

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 12:05:42 GMT

It's funny how when you look at other people and you see that girl pining after her boyfriend who is blatantly cheating on her and you think "That could never happen to me. I would never let it happen."

It's funny how when you think you got it all under control and you would never let a silly thing like love get in the way of more important things.

It's funny how you think that you wouldn't ever be the one to text first/call first and question his whereabouts like a psycho maniac girlfriend-exactly the person you promised yourself you would never ever become.

It's funny how you used to do so well on your own and now you need this person like a crutch.

It's funny how easy it is to trust a person and even easier for him to take that trust for granted.

I am scared. Frankly. That I could be turning into someone I vowed exactly not to become. Not that things aren't going well, and not that everything I said above has happened to me, but I can see it happening. And for that possibility to even pop in my head... crap.

You know you're a bimbo when...

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 09:28:44 GMT

The guys are shopping for groceries and you're left with the trolley. =_=

My family went off to Penang for a holiday, and the guys came over to cook dinner. It was tons of fun. HY and Nick (the two master chefs), Josh, Maxey, T, Bean, Hanyet + bf were all here. Ohmygosh, I want to open Nick a restaurant so I can eat in it three times a day. He is awesome. He whipped up duck with steamed bun and special hoisin sauce (you stack the duck with the sauce on the bun and eat it piping hot), Marche's mushrooms (shitake mushrooms stir fried Marche-style. Awe.Some.), stuffed chicken with mashed potato and bacon, homemade garlic bread, and rabbit food (salad with bleu cheese. zuchinni, cherry tomatoes, lettuce, red and yellow peppers). Kyaaaaa >_< It was sooo good. Every single thing tasted delicious, like a gourmet meal o_O

Nick and HY bickered like kids over how the bacon was supposed to be fried, how the garlic was to be shredded, etc etc.

At one point, when Nick was stuffing the chicken, he said "Hold the breasts together."

"Stick it in deeper."

XD

All I did was clean up around them. Oh and I peeled two potatoes. Yup.

They stayed the night since I was alone. And the best part was when I woke up in the morning and trudged downstairs Nick and HY were frying onions, made scrambled eggs, pancakes, and fried ham with melted cheese. I practically teared on the spot.

Everyone had tons of fun. After a few cans of beer, everybody was doing yoga poses at 1 in the morning XD There was a few pillow fights in the tv room and an impromptu meeting at 4 in the morning when everyone was supposed to be asleep. We were asleep but somehow, everyone woke up one by one and gathered in the upstairs hall to talk. My dog had a new name (from Tiggr, to Bubu because like Nick says "He looks like a Bubu.") And he was so spoilt by the guys (belly rubs, meals under the table) that he wanted to follow them home just now. At one point someone said "Does anybody remember we have finals this Wednesday?"

Oh man. We all agreed we should do this more often. Nick says he wants to make pizza the next time around *glee*

Different paths?

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 17:14:18 GMT

What's worse than watching other people get hurt? When you're the one who is hurting them. I might not mean it, I might not want it, I might have the best of intentions, but the end result is still the same. And there's nothing I can do about it, because nothing I do can fix it, because I am the problem, not what I do.

It's frustrating.

Maybe it's how I set standards for myself, and I expect everyone else to do the same. My views on things are fixed, and I can't see things from the other side. My problem is that I hate people controlling me, or telling me what to do, and having excuses for that when I get annoyed. "It's how I care." "I was concerned." "I have your intentions at heart." Yes, I know that. Yes, yes and yes I know you care. But this is not how I want Ed to care. This is not the way I want people to show that they care about me. Why do I have to accept it when I really cannot stand it? Why do I have to bear with it when it's driving me crazy? Being pushy and persistent might be good, this is how some people burrow their way to the front. But there has to be a limit, they have to know when to stop. Nobody can force their feelings onto others, and pressurize other people into liking them when the feeling simply isn't there. Yes I know he's upset. Yes I know he's jealous. But everybody has these feelings. It's how you control them and not let them overtake who you are. One sorry was more than enough, twice was horrible and I have already forgiven him three times. When he assumes wrong things about me and gets angry at me for them, it's not cool. Especially when he has no right to be angry at me regardless or not whether those things he thought were true. I am like this. I don't come sugar coated. I refuse to stand there and let him poke his pins into me like I'm some pincushion. The more he provokes me expecting me to back down, the more I enjoy pissing him off by doing those things that I know he doesn't like.

I have already said this many many many times. I can't stand betrayal. I cannot stand it when people fling hurtful words so easily and using "Sorry, I didn't mean it" as an excuse later. Like it can be wiped off. Like it's a trivial thing. For me, there is no going back. I forgive but I don't ever forget.

All this drama is taking a toll on my studies. I can't study. I can't do my homework. It's not a laughable thing. Because I care, I am not blowing him off like a stranger. And because I am not giving him the cold shoulder, he keeps coming back.

My friends are rolling their eyes each time I mention his name. He has issues. He's crazy. He's desperate. He's fucking pushy.

I am beginning to think that maybe it's time I stepped away since he doesn't appreciate the friendship.

Stop and smell, listen to the sound of the rain.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:58:23 GMT

When I don't feel like I can hold on any longer.

When the weight on my shoulders become harder to bear.

When I feel my fingers slipping off.

When I feel like I can't wake up. When I don't feel like waking up.

When every step becomes harder to take.

When every decision made is doubted.

When faith is broken and friendships are lost.

When relationships are made and I am forced to remember the past. Should I take the next step? Would history repeat itself?

When it turns out you are the same. Like the rest of them.

When too many sorries are said. And once was more than enough.

There comes a moment where everything seems trivial.

Where the important things become meaningless.

In that five minutes, under the rain, I am free.

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 17:34:53 GMT

Still alive. just barely.

Sorry. Will catch up with you guys later. I do read your posts, I just need time to leave my mark.

Tired.

A ton of work left to be done. But I'll finish it.

Cheers.

Every class has its freak

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 08:11:06 GMT

Kubo-chan I think your prayers worked :))

I'm handling my homework a lot better this few days. I finished my assignment for Biotechnology (which I later found out was not due this Friday but the next) and got a headstart for my Chemistry report.

Although lots of random people typed in lots of random stuff when I wasn't looking/ going to the loo/ chatting with friends.

xD

Yan Yan is my really old, really cute (but old. cute as in grandfatherly cute) lecturer. Who makes sound effects when describing reaction mechanisms. Who gets really excited teaching chemistry.

-.-'''' Just because I like to look at pretty girls.....

The worst thing is I don't even know who typed it in. Nobody would own up although they all exchanged sniggers. -.-'

There's this really unpleasant guy in my Marketing tutorial that rubs everybody the wrong way. All of us have to present our tutorial homework and we do it in turns. Marks are appointed to those who ask questions to the presenter after he/she has finished with the presentation. This guy never fails to ask questions. It's not so much the questions that annoy me, it's the condescending tone he uses when he asks the questions. He doesn't really wants answers, he just wants to make all of us look bad.

Today, Nick was presenting his homework. He had a powerpoint prepared but he could not open the document since the Microsoft Office version he used was too advanced than the uni's version so they weren't compatible. He told our tutor he would do the presentation without the aid of the powerpoint, to which my tutor agreed.

At this point, the guy wasn't in the class yet. He was late or something. He barged in halfway through though and when Nick was done with his presentation (which included a video he edited that had gay themes as a laugh to differentiate between genders.) he asked if anyone had questions. The guy put up his hand and said "First of all, let me just comment on your presentation."

To which Nick nodded.

And that guy continued, "It was really long and draggy and really boring. I mean, you didn't even have visual aids to guide us. You should have prepared slides or something so we wouldn't have to rely on our imagination to figure out what you're talking about."

I was annoyed because he was late, he didn't know what had happened before-hand but he attacked him straightaway. So I voiced out, "He did prepare slides. But the versions weren't compatible."

I don't think he heard me. But the tutor jumped to Nick's defense.

After he was done with that, he attacked Nick's video saying it wasn't relevant to the topic. The topic was by the way, submitting a proposal on the type of food outlets that would be opened in our university since the student numbers were increasing. We had to give our opinions on what type of food concept would be appropriate and justify them. Nick said he was trying to show the difference in behaviour between men and women. The guy said "If I was a shareholder in your company, I would be like, 'What the $%$#?' And besides you didn't comment on the secondary data or define the problem in the first place."

This annoyed DG so much that he voiced out loud (since the guy didn't hear me in the first place), "He DID. YOU were late!"

The whole incident sparked into a class debate. But by the end of the hullabaloo, nearly all of us were jumping to Nick's defense.

The guy really annoys me. But what's scarier, I have to present my homework next week =.=;; I hate giving speeches, I hate public speaking, and now I have to deal with this idiot possibly asking me questions that I couldn't possibly answer.

I told DG, Nick and the rest of my friends to pray with me so that the guy might fall sick and not attend class next week. Seriously, I should spike his drink or something.

Han Yet said she glared daggers at him last week when she did her presentation so he shut up and settled with only one question. Maybe I should do the same. DG said he intends to seduce the guy by wearing a miniskirt and showing off his hairy legs the next time it was his turn to present.

It might just work.

mid sem blues

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:58:41 GMT

I can't breathe.

I can't juggle my studies. It's too much. All of us were racking our heads for our bio lab reports up until the second we handed in our reports. My Bio lecturer sucks. I went home and crashed and woke up and had an hour left to finish my web test which was due at ten pm. I was panicking and couldn't think but Nick saved my ass and did it for me. Guilty that I didn't do it myself, but at this point in time, I couldn't care less. I'll buy him lunch some day.

I hate giving in and I just did. I hate becoming like another student, having a senior lab report so it's easier to do my own but I just did it. I'm one of them. When it came to the task, I failed.

Aurgh.

I need sleep.

I need to write.

I need to read.

Am I in the wrong course?

I look over at the Mass Comm students and they seem much happier to me.

Am I just lazy?

Have I lost my mojo?

DG is cute =( But people are talking about us and it sucks because I don't want the friendship to be ruined and for all I know, I'm a friend, nothing more. Still, when people say things like "What's your boyfriend's name?" ideas get into my head. Stop it.

I must stop shopping. I bought a bazillion tops, shoes and bags last week alone with three different groups of people. Retail therapy works... for a while.

I miss T. I don't see her often even though we are in the same university.

I miss PK. who's in UK.

I miss Kw. who's stuck in his little medical hole.

I miss Gabe. who's in Aussie.

Why are the people who actually care all so far away?

And then there are those who you want shipped to other countries. Preferably with FedEx.

I must start filing my notes. I must start printing notes.

I miss happy drunken highs.

I wanna shoot my boredself during the holiday when I was whining about there was nothing to dooooo. Shut up you. Happy now? There are tons of stuff to do and you haven't started any of them.

=(

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 11:08:05 GMT

It's been a rough week. Uni was rough. Friends were rough. I don't know anymore.

Ed was annoyed with me for not sending him pictures. He said "Honestly, I'm disappointed in you because it doesn't take that long to do and yet you took so long." Erm. I was sick. And I had a rough week. And I had homework. And they're just pictures.

Some people assumed that I was a couple with DG because he spends a lot of time with me in uni and this girl told me that. I was fine with it, laughed at it. Until she went and told DG too. She doesn't mean to be a bitch but seriously, what a way to ruin a friendship. He was distant to me all day. O-kay.

I am mad at Ed but I can't shout at him cos' he doesn't get it. I feel like he's taking it out on me for something else that he's angry about. It's almost as if he's pissed because I have other friends that I hang out with that does not consist of him and T. So I'm not replying his messages after he told me off, am not returning his calls cos' I don't want to shout at him and I have nothing to say. I don't need to explain myself cos' it doesn't need explaining.

HY says Ed has PMS. I think so too.

Valentine Schmalentine

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 18:24:01 GMT

Last year I doggedly went to work even though my ex protested it was Valentine's Day. We had lunch but I made him not declare it a day to celebrate, just a normal lunch between two people who are seeing each other.

Last year, a bunch of old men asked me to join them for dinner because they thought it was sad I had to work on Valentine's Day. I was sad. Because people kept coming in to eat past closing hours.

Last year, there was a long line at 10 pm (closing time) outside my totally unromantic ramen ~~stand~~ restaurant. Seriously? I shouldn't have worked. Should have stayed home.

This year, I went out with friends on Feb 13, determinedly canceled dates on the 14th, and I'm going out again on the 15th.

"Watcha doing on the 14th?"

"ohhh, can't go anywhere. The painters are coming over to my home to get ready for Chinese New Year :) " (Speaking of which. I can't wait ^^ Just four (and a half) more days till Sunday! No wait. The celebration starts on Saturday! Alcohol, family gatherings, trashy card games, dirty jokes, new clothes, money, ahhhhhh, I really can't wait.)

I really don't mind staying home and being fed dinner (ohkay, perhaps possibly cooking for a loved one too -_-) and cuddling with a loved one on the day, I just don't like the whole crazyexpensiveflowers expensive overpriced dinner omygod. Flowers are crazy expensive x_X And they DIE! Really Fast! I get sad. I'm not a flower person. With that money, I could have gotten another bottle of fresh smelling perfume~! (Or diamonds. Oho. Or gadgets. CDs. Clothes. Bags. Shoes.) I mourn the money spent on flowers. And so is dinner! It all comes in sets, there is no such thing as ala carte, and you wait a billion years for the food to arrive!

T'is annoying.

Had a game of badminton with Ed, WH and T today. Eh.. it's weirder and weirder. Funny vibe going on between EdandI and WhandT. Which is not how I want things to work out. I can't talk to WH without getting funny looks from T and Ed and if Ed doesn't stop texting me day and night and question my whereabouts like he has the fucking right, I'm going to blow.

It's always. "where are you. Who are you with. What are your plans for today. Who did you shisha with. Why are you up so early at this hour? Who have you been talking to."

Gah.

The way things are

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 20:30:33 GMT

I'm good at a lot of things but I'm never the best. I'm content with where I stand right now, and I think to myself, the reason why I'm never the best is because I'm content with the way things are. I don't have strong motivations, or if I do, they never last for me to finish through with my aspirations.

I have many ideas, but never the conviction nor the patience to bring them to life properly. I edit things out and keep things happy and smiley and shiny in my head. The holes get filled up with indifference and denial. My feelings are jumbled up, and change from second to second. I get what people are trying to tell me most of the time, but I don have the eloquence to tell them that I understand.

I have great ambitions but I'm not sure if I'm able achieve them. I have great expectations on myself but I do not believe that I can take the first step to live up to them.

I hate it when friends pigeonhole me, even if it might be true, but I'd like to think that I'm more versatile than that. Which might not be so true.

Most of all, I don't really know if the path I'm taking is correct, even though this is a question I should have long answered two years ago. I could have been a doctor, a vet, if I really fought for it. I truly believe it. But I lack the faith in myself.

Maybe putting this in black and white will let me find that something to push myself into doing something truly great, and live up to my own expectations.

Firsts

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 11:29:26 GMT

Title: Firsts
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kyouya x Tamaki
Word Count: 1,506
Summary: The many firsts Tamaki had experienced with Kyouya.

The first time Tamaki kissed Kyouya, it was under a mistletoe, and egged on by a dozen fangirls who wanted their money’s worth. It was awkward since Tamaki and Kyouya had never gotten onto the boys’ love genre, preferring to leave it to the twins and MoriandHoney. He knew they were never going to hear the end of it as he reached up, curled his hands around Kyouya’s neck and planted a soft kiss on his lower lip. He knew Kyouya was just as shocked as he was, as their chests were pressed together and he could hear the thumping of Kyouya’s heart, beating furiously underneath his pressed shirt. But he supposed it didn’t end badly, since Kyouya had kissed him back, and when they had parted, Tamaki was panting for breath but he hid it behind a dazzling smile for the girls.

Ever since then, there were many times when he would look across the room and catch Kyouya's eye, and he would remember Kyouya's mouth, soft and sweet upon his, and he was fairly certain Kyouya could see it in his eyes so he would always look away.

The first time Kyouya got a girlfriend, was also the first time Tamaki fought with Kyouya. He didn’t understand it, the angry feelings that welled up or the hurt he fought to keep off his face each time her name was mentioned, until it boiled over one day and he’d walked off, slamming the door in Kyouya’s shocked face, not wanting to listen anymore where they’d been and what they had for lunch. All he could imagine was Kyouya pressing his face to her collarbone in a disused room, and one hand up her shirt, and he had ran and ran, wanting to be nowhere near his best friend.

He confessed to Haruhi the very next day. Kyouya had watched him from the shadows, and he had known Kyouya was watching, so he smiled very tenderly, and brushed Haruhi’s hair away from her temple. She glared at him from underneath her furiously pink cheeks and stalked off haughtily, saying that she had no time for games.

Kyouya was cold for the subsequent week, and Tamaki had to swallow many times to clear the bile in his throat as Kyouya moved around him, treating him like the many inanimate and expensive objects in the room. He was furious with him, he could tell from the glint in his glasses, and the violent, jerky way he wrote in his clipboard.

It was hard to be around papa and momma caught in a cold war so the music room was empty while it lasted. While nobody knew why they were in a fight, everybody knew better than to get themselves involved, although, the twins had tried to make things better by locking the both of them up in an empty room. It had been a disaster. Tamaki found himself babbling, and shoving piteous puppy dog eyes at Kyouya to no effect. He hadn’t meant for it to be that way. He wasn’t jealous of Kyouya having a girlfriend. He wanted his best friend to be happy, and if it took another person to do it, so be it. He hadn’t meant to play mind games and toy with Haruhi’s feelings. But it was futile, he was fooling himself, because he wanted nothing better to shove Kyouya against a wall and kiss him senseless although he wasn’t allowed to because Kyouya was angry, and had jerked his hand away, out of reach, when Tamaki had tried to take it.

The rejection had hurt, and long after they had made up, he didn’t dare to touch Kyouya. He did not put his head on his shoulder like he used to, he did not lead Kyouya around by the elbow like he used to, and he forgot, with an ache so dear he couldn’t breathe, how it felt to lean against Kyouya when it was hot and lazy and he was sleepy. He wondered about it at night, and tried to remember how well their hands had fit together, and he could not remember because he did not know it was going to be the last time when he had held Kyouya’s hand in his and dragged him to put sense into the twins when they had stolen his teddy yet again and refused to tell him where it was.

The first time Tamaki realized he loved Kyouya, actually realized that it was love, not parental affection, not protectiveness, was when it was Kyouya’s birthday and Tamaki had snuck into his bedroom to surprise him. He had been asleep, buried deep inside his covers, his blankets covering all but his face. And even though Kyouya’s girlfriend had official rights to a midnight birthday surprise, Tamaki justified that his girlfriend did not know, would never know, that Kyouya hated surprises, and Kyouya mumbled incoherent stuff like “Where’s your teeth, Hikaru?” in his sleep, and Kyouya always slept on his back, so his girlfriend had no right to see him like that and he had sprung upon Kyouya, jolting him out of sleep and casting murderous eyes at Tamaki. But he recognised the gaze, like how he recognised when Kyouya was being cruel kind, or really pissed off, and he knew it was murderous but with fond affection.

The thing about love was that it took two to waltz, and Tamaki knew that he had to be content with watching from the sidelines, had to be happy just to see Kyouya smile even though it wasn’t him that put the smile on his face. It was hard, and it was difficult, but Tamaki was determined to try.

The first time he was seriously angry, was when Kyouya deliberately went all out to pair Haruhi and him together. He didn’t understand why he kept pushing him away, towards Haruhi, but he kept being fooled and tricked into compromising situations with Haruhi until he couldn’t stand it, and had to burst. He would ask Kyouya out, and he would agree, but Tamaki would end up at the mall with an equally confused and bewildered Haruhi with Kyouya nowhere in sight. They would make plans to watch a movie, but Tamaki would be caught in a double date, Kyouya with his girlfriend, and Haruhi with him.

Kyouya didn’t do things unless he had something to gain from them, and Tamaki didn’t appreciate being treated like a trade object, didn’t like that the thing that Kyouya would be gaining was his absence and more time with his girlfriend since he had gotten rid of annoying, pesky little Tamaki.

Kyouya was shocked when he ranted and raved and accused him of throwing him away until all that was left was an empty husk, and Tamaki had stared forlornly at Kyouya, his eyes red, and his chest heaving. He didn’t know what to do in the silence that followed, he wasn’t accustomed to hostile situations, and he had had enough so he had turned to walk away, if it was what Kyouya wanted.

Only, he was stopped because Kyouya had trapped him between the wall and himself and received an earful about how anyone could be as stupid as him and that nobody could possibly be so selfless and just what was it that Tamaki wanted out of him?

As it turned out, both only wanted to see the other happy. And both thought the only way to do it was to step out of the way.

He felt the beginnings of something fluttering in his stomach, and looked at the way Kyouya was staring at him, and he knew. When Kyouya leaned in possessively to kiss his mouth, Tamaki closed his eyes and reached out his hands to pull him close, wanting to feel the thump of his heart against his own again.

***

The first time Kyouya slept on his side was when Tamaki had woken up, mouth pressed against Kyouya’s neck in his bed, legs curled around Kyouya’s own. Tamaki was loud and annoying and too cheerful in the morning, but Kyouya had merely shut him up by smothering him with his arms and dropping kisses on his temple before he drifted back to sleep.

^_^

Ouran fic: Suits

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 18:28:35 GMT

Title: Suits
Rating: R
Pairing: Kyouya x Tamaki
Warnings: Kissing, so far.
Word Count: 2668
Summary: The boys (and girl) are all grown up now.They are corporate figures, business tycoons, and rising entrepreneurs and yet, Kyouya cannot get the deal he really wants.

-_- That sounds so romance novelly I don't even know where to look.

Author’s Notes: Ohkay, here we go on the Ouran bandwagon. =)

Kyouya closed the portfolio of the stocks his company owned with a snap. He rubbed his head tiredly at the side of his temples and glanced at the electronic clock on his desk. It was not nearly twelve in the afternoon and yet, he felt like he had been in the office for seventy long hours. The phone rang and when he picked it up, it was his secretary. “Suoh-sama here to see you sir.” It was more a formality than anything. Hide knew no matter the circumstances Kyouya’s doors would always be open for his best friend.

“Send him in.”

Hide did not bother to open the door for Tamaki; he bounded in like the carefree puppy he was, a bright smile on his face.

Kyouya had his customary scowl waiting for him even though he was really glad to see Tamaki. They both had little time for each other nowadays. Tamaki was president of Ouran Gakuen and had a lot of spoilt brats to rough up while Kyouya was immersed knee deep in the hospital's affairs- he now presided over the board ever since he bought up 10% of the stocks in that company.

Tamaki rested easily in the chair opposite Kyouya. He scrutinized Kyouya like a hawk and he wasn’t surprised when he said, “You have become thinner Kyouya. Don’t you eat anymore?”

Kyouya smiled impeccably. “I eat stocks for breakfast.” There was hardly any time for food or any sort of leisure these days. His time was filled with meetings and plans for takeovers. His latest project was to buy over his uncle’s luxury car company. Even though the automobile industry was doing well, the company was wading in debt, having registered losses for five consecutive years. It had the opportunity to do well with the right management and Kyouya thought he was it. Of course, his uncle was not going to be pleased but the way he saw it, he was saving him face for the family.

Tamaki rolled his eyes. “Nonsense,” he said. He pushed himself up from the chair. “C’mon, let’s get going.”

“Where are we going?” Kyouya looked at his files. There were a million things to sign, and a lot of proposals to draft.

“Lunch. One hour won’t kill you.” There was no way he could refuse, not with the puppy dog look in Tamaki’s face. Some things never changed. Kyouya relented and let himself be dragged out of the office.

Hide glanced up from his desk when they passed him. He grinned at Tamaki and gave him a knowing smile. Kyouya wanted to sock him. He shouldn’t have hired somebody who was so much like Tamaki in personality. He made Kyouya’s mornings so much worse with his cheerful smiles and amused tolerance at Kyouya’s bad moods. For all the similarities they shared though, Hide never had Tamaki’s ditziness or his penchant for forgiveness. It was precisely why he hired him. Hide was efficient as he was good-natured and he thought with his head, not with his heart. And, he made superb coffee.

Tamaki led the way, chattering all about his latest students. He had implemented a policy at Ouran, something Kyouya privately thought wasn’t beneficial to the school in terms of business but a move which was exceedingly Tamaki-like. About two percent of the student population was there on scholarship. Two percent was a good number of people, seeing as Haruhi was the only one during their days as students in the same institution. Tamaki was paying out of his own pocket. That, Kyouya thought was quite stupid. He had been planning to bring it up some time now but he kept forgetting.

The lift doors opened to reveal two pretty ladies inside. Dressed to perfection, the both of them were vice presidents on the hospital board. They gave Kyouya curt nods in greeting, obviously having very little affection for him, but when they saw Tamaki, they lost control. One of them, Mako, put her hand on her hair and batted her eyelashes. The other giggled. Tamaki, who had been the prince of their host club, and very much the prince of the socialite world now, played his part to perfection. “Ara, it is with such good luck that we have the chance to ride on the elevator with such stunning beauties.”

Kyouya rolled his eyes- he wasn’t sure which he was more annoyed with, the fact that the supposedly no-nonsense businesswomen were acting like childish school girls or the fact that Tamaki was enjoying it so much.

“I thought you had a meeting to attend,” he said monotonously, glancing at the digital numbers change as they descended.

“I thought you had a proposal to draft,” Mako said sweetly.

He glowered, but Tamaki put a hand on his elbow, and laughed charmingly. “I’m just stealing him for a quick bite. The poor man will never do without me, he practically forgets to eat. I’m sure you ladies could spare me the hour with him, wouldn’t you?”

When the lift doors opened, and when Kyouya stormed out of the door, pushing his glasses back to his nose, he heard them whisper to each other. “I wonder why Suoh-san would have such a cold hearted man for a friend.”

“Idiots,” he cursed under his breath.

“Now, now, Kyouya, how would you ever get their vote if you start calling them names?” Tamaki asked, after he had caught up with him, smiling as he did. The sun caught in his eyes and hair, and Kyouya thought, none could really rival him. He was the darling of the press and had graced the newspaper’s front pages and gossip section alike. The front pages headlined news of his charity and his policies at the school, the gossip section pored over his looks and speculated over his love life. Either way, Tamaki was a celebrity.

“I get their votes because I bring in the good money.” He stopped at the Porshe and waited for Tamaki to hand him the keys. It was long agreed. Tamaki didn’t drive whenever they went out together, regardless of the ownership of the car. He nearly killed him once, and Kyouya wanted to make certain he wouldn’t do it again.

“Where are we going?” he asked Tamaki as he pulled out of the parking lot.

“Haruhi’s restaurant. It’s been a while since you were there.” He felt Tamaki’s gaze on him as he drove. He glanced over and raised an eyebrow.

“What.”

“You’ve been busy but the least you can do is to pop by or call once in a while, Kyouya.” Tamaki turned his glance away and looked out of the windshield.

“I’ve been busy,” Kyouya said.

“I know.”

“Then why do you ask?” Frowning, he looked over at Tamaki. It was weird sometimes. He couldn’t understand the thoughts that ran through his head.

“Cos’ Haruhi thinks it but she doesn’t say it so I’m saying it for her.”

Oh. Kyouya did not have anything to say to that so he focused on the road in front of him. It wasn’t far, Haruhi’s restaurant. A quaint café in the middle of town, it attracted quite a lot of customers and had become a tourist attraction in its own right. It took years to get the café’s reputation that far but Haruhi had steel in her body, and nobody had doubted for a second that she would succeed. He had always wondered why Tamaki and her had never properly gotten together. Sure, there had been moments but nothing ever came out of them. It seemed like they were dancing a never-ending waltz, one where Tamaki was too afraid to end the dance and ask to take her home.

There wasn’t time to think much about what Tamaki had said. He pulled up in front of the restaurant, and geared the car into side parking. Minutes later, Haruhi was at the side of the car, pulling the door open. “Took you long enough,” she snapped, blunt as ever.

“Hello, Haruhi,” Kyouya greeted her when he had rounded over from his side of the car and kissed her cheek.

“Haruhi.” Tamaki swept her into a hug and kissed both cheeks. She ignored both acts of pomp and stalked back into her café.

“Another minute and the place will be full. Sit down.”

Kyouya had to smile as the both of them followed her in, Tamaki a little meekly having been rebuffed at his greeting. Haruhi was a picture of beauty. She had grown from a tomboy to a lady who was quietly elegant, entirely oblivious to her innocent beauty. She still retained a little of the aloof, boyishness but it added to her charm. It certainly wasn’t just the food alone which attracted customers.

She found them a seat at the very back so that –in her words- they wouldn’t be accosted by stupid people with cameras. Tamaki flushed with embarrassment at her words – he hadn’t meant to be the poster boy of the elite but he couldn’t help it if things turned out that way- but he knew she didn’t mean in a condescending manner. It was just Haruhi, frank and simple.

Kyouya eyed his best friend staring after her, the same dreamy look in his eyes for so many years. His stomach lurched suddenly and he blinked, going back to his menu. “I’m starving,” he said, wanting very much for the feeling to go away. Instantly, the concerned look on Tamaki’s face appeared.

“When was the last time you had a proper meal?” he demanded, leaning forward in his chair.

Kyouya thought for a while, and realized he didn’t remember. He remembered his last meal with Tamaki though, it was over a month ago and they had baked oysters and angel haired pasta tossed in pepper and olive oil at the same café in the same spot. He settled for something which would appease the look on Tamaki’s face. “Pasta. Last night,” he lied, scanning the menu.

They ordered, always more than they could eat so Haruhi would join them later when she wasn’t doing the accounts or reinventing menus. Kyouya had a scotch and water to relieve his headache. Tamaki had orange juice.

“I have something I would like to discuss with you about,” Kyouya said, while they were waiting for the drinks to be served. “It’s about the scholarships Ouran is offering to the students.” Tamaki nodded, waiting for him to go on. “Or rather,” Kyouya said thoughtfully to himself, “the scholarships you are offering the students.”

At the confused look his best friend shot him, Kyouya went on. “It’s not very wise, don’t you think, taking the money out of your own pocket.” When Tamaki looked offended, Kyouya hurried to wipe the look off his face. “No, I’m not telling you to stop the charity. I’m saying you should start a fund. You can’t possibly pay for their education forever.”

“Start a fund? The money would still have to come from me, right?”

“No, there are various ways to source for the income. I’m sure many companies would love to sponsor the children if you gave them a deal they couldn’t refuse. Your father has connections, use them.” Talking business to Tamaki was like explaining to a small child how to drive a car. He always had the great ideas but the lack of expertise to make them reality. That was Kyouya’s forte.

“Well,” Tamaki said reluctantly. “Obtaining the presidency of the school board was hard enough. Using my father to get more connections so I can start a fund would be even more difficult, don’t you think so?” Tamaki had a hard relationship with his father, or rather, the pressure put on his father by his grandmother to guide Tamaki properly.

“That was just an example,” Kyouya said patiently. His view of his Tamaki was momentarily blocked by a waiter’s arm as she delivered their drinks. He downed the scotch in a gulp and ignored Tamaki’s scandalous cry. “You could do something else, like a charity auction. Use your media power. Invite the press. People would jump at the chance to be published.”

The bright light that shone in Tamaki’s face meant that he got it. “Ah! I understand now,” he cried excitedly. “You saved me once again, Kyouya. My money alone isn’t going to last very long at this rate. With the fund, it could mean more scholarships for more students, and the scheme will have a higher chance of success!”

“Yup.” The next hour over fried calamari and medium rare prime tenderloin beef plus chocolate cake as dessert were filled with the excited chatter of his friend discussing the plans to hold a charity auction.

Kyouya felt sated; his headache was gone and his mood lighter in days.

****

Something had happened when they turned eighteen.

They were spending the night in Tamaki’s house – the twins were there, Mori and Hunny were there, and so was Haruhi- and having a barbeque outside in the lawn. It was a whale of a time, a private party held in honor of themselves. There were no customers to please, no costumes to don on except their own skins, and so much food they could barely finish themselves. It was the one mistake they had made, Tamaki had always ordered for a lot of people since the host club was always packed.

The twins, always up to mischief, had brought along alcohol to the party. A glass of wine wasn’t so bad, all of them were accustomed to it since they were each obliged to drink at dinner parties and official functions, but they each brought two canters of whisky.

The twins forced them all into a drinking game. They all sat in a circle with the bottles in the middle buried slightly in grass, and each one uttered a number in succession to the previous number uttered when it was their turn. The rules were that whoever who accidentally said out the number seven, or any multiples or seven, had to automatically take a swig from the bottle.

Tamaki, being an idiot who could not count, ended up finishing an entire bottle. It was hilarious, watching him reenact plays he had been to with his grandmother. He pranced about on the lawn, uttering sonnets and guffawing every few minutes. His face had been flushed from the alcohol and his hair wild from rolling about in the grass.

When the party had came to an end, Kyouya decided to stay because he didn’t want the entire Suoh household to wake up should Tamaki decide to sing out loud in the hall- it had a great echoing effect. He hauled Tamaki right up to his bedroom, and cursed all the way, telling Tamaki he would be very sorry if he kicked him down to the floor or slobbered all over him or woke him up early in the morning.

Just when he had succeeded into getting in the room, Tamaki rounded upon him and had him trapped against the wall.

Kyouya remembered how he looked that very night. The moon behind him lighting his blond hair into a glowing silhouette, his cheeks flushed, and his mouth open in a lazy smile, his heart contracted painfully beneath his chest.

He didn’t think- he hadn’t had a moment to- before he closed his mouth on Tamaki’s own. And Tamaki had responded. The kiss was hot, and achingly slow, and when he felt Tamaki’s tongue, all the blood had rushed away from his head, any sort of logic was gone then. All there was left was him, and Tamaki and the way he kissed. He had pressed himself to his best friend, and surrendered himself into the kiss –it felt so damned good- and could have gone on if not for the word Tamaki uttered.

“Haruhi,” he had moaned.

Tamaki obviously had no memory of what had happened that night, but it had stayed with Kyouya, burning into his mind like an imprint, something he knew he might never experience again.

verbal (and uh, visual?) diarrhoea

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 19:02:54 GMT

I did it! One week of staying at home and not going out. My mum should be pleased with me. But oh boy, my legs are screaming to be let out. There are 7 layers of dust on me, one layer for each day. Bleh. I guess that's how I got my writing done =P

BUT I AM GOING OUT TOMORROW, AND THE DAY AFTER AND THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER.

And I'm going to the beach sooooooon. *throws bikinis into the air* I've been lusting after the beach so much I've been sweating sand T_T

Oh, and by the way, I want this to be my wedding dress. Nevermind that it's red.

So. Pretty. Must. Have. *_*

John Galliano is a genius. All the dresses in the collection were so gorgeous. But that (Points to above) is the ultimate dress.

Nevermind that I won't be able to afford it even if I work my ass off until I'm 80 and dying. A girl can dream.

------------------------------

Today's family tidbit comes in the form of my dad who has the habit of dragging me out of the house just to ask me outrageous questions. And he only does it to me. Not my two sisters. Nope.

So, after dinner, he beams excitedly at me. I do this =.=

He practically skips to the front door. "Come here," he says.

"I'm washing dishes," I say, my hands soapy and wet.

"Just come," he says and puts his hands on his hips.

I do this =.= and follow him.

We walk outdoors to his beloved landscaped garden. We stop in front of a potted plant and I wonder what am I doing out. He throws out his hands and looks at me expectantly. I stare at him.

After 5 seconds of silence, he rolls his eyes and asks me, "CAN'T YOU SMELL?"

I sniff the air. "Uh, it's nice." I hate plants, and I dislike the smell of flowers. Not that it matters.

"ISN'T IT? I PLANTED THIS TWO MONTHS AGO AND IT BLOSSOMED." He sniffs the air and sighs happily.

I walk back in the house but before I do, I wipe my hands on his sleeves. Payback.

---------------------------------------

I'm bored so I created my own meme. ~_~

1. Jared Leto

Before Mr. Leto discovered eyeliner,

he looked like this

I is sad =(

2. Gael Garcia Bernal.

He has such pretty eyes >3>3

My McDreamy *sighs* I could drown in his eyes forever and ever, and ever, and everXD

3. Hugh Laurie

What's sexier than Greg House?

~~GregHouseAndWilsonSittingOnATree.........~~

Greg House on his bike.

His bike by the way, is kickass.

4. Ito Hideaki

Yar, both of them are the same person. Yasha is the drama you're looking for.

I think he's my Takuya Kimura in terms of acting. There's something about him. He's always comes across as very...earnest, very true to himself in almost ALL of his films and series that you can't help but wonder whether he's really that good of an actor, or it's just an extension of himself.

5. Christian Bale

The man who perfected obsessive characters to a T.

And I happen to think the way he speaks is super adorable XD

6. Tony Leung

The Departed's got nothing on Infernal Affairs >3

7. Viggo Mortensen.

Cormamin lindua ele lle too, King of Gondor >3

8. Wentworth Miller

One of the few guys who look good WITHOUT hair.

And he has pretty bloooooooooooooooooooooooooo eyes.

but Gael Garcia Bernal's ones are way prettier *_*

9. Jamie Oliver

Waddaya mean he's not an actor, he's on tv right?

He makes easy-to-cook, simple, delicious dishes, so he says. He's lying, by the way.

Annnnnnnnd I'm done.

This has been One Long Post of Nothing (tm)

update

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 18:56:29 GMT

It's been a while.

Chapter 9

*collapses at doorstep*

>_______________________________________________________________________________________________<

Someone teach me how NOT to be so passive-agressive please, although at the rate my parents are having at it (seriously, how can two people solve a disagreement by not talking to each other? SERIOUSLY?), I'm not surprised at all.

*bangs pots and pans just because*

You don't get to call me a whore, says Meredith.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 18:51:15 GMT

SHAME ON YOU MCDREAMY. SHAME ON YOUU.

You left, and then she's trying to glue her heart back together and although I find it hard to forgive her after what she did to Georgie, it's her right who (and how many men) she chooses to sleep with. Her problem, NOT YOURS. SO DON'T GO ALL OUT AND EMO ON HER.

Speaking on people who have no right.

Some high school friends of mine (we grew up together. We've known each other for 11 years now) have voiced their concerns over the fact that I've been spending too much time with T and Ed and WH(who are also my high school friends) and the fact that we, and I quote, "always go out late at night and *GASP* WH smokes?!!!!"

One of them questioned T's choices of her taking the path of getting a business degree instead of setting out to be a doctor like she said she would two years ago.

Another asked just what the hell is wrong with WH and why the hell would he smoke.

I would think, that by now, we're all adults and capable of making our own decisions. WH and T are both 21. I would think, that they know what's best for themselves instead of other people thinking for them.

I wouldn't even bat an eyelash if it wasn't for the fact that all the whole exchange occured in a very condescending, critical and judgemental manner.

If T means that much to the person in question who put her down for not sticking to her decision, she would find out the reasons why T did what she did instead of making haughty remarks about her being a very indecisive person.She actually listed down what T has changed her mind about in the past. All of them. As if it proves something. What right does she have?

If T was financially capable of going to medical school, she would have. Obviously she wouldn't want to let her dreams go to dust just like that.

I am mad and very unsettled by this because T is now feeling *guilty* and she shouldn't have to because it is her life, and nobody should tell what she should do with it.

And dude, people do like drama.

*is fascinated by it all*

Is it all that fun to spread gossip around and laugh at people whose lives are ruined, or how their love life has gone awry, and how that person is just so slutty by seeing two people at once?

Dood. Not your life.

I, for one, am sticking by T and WH and whoever the fuck who wants to have an affair because it is not my place to tell them what to do. Unless of course, they need to bitch about it. Then I'm there to listen and offer my two pennies.

And I'll drink how much I want, and go out as late as I want. (So long as the parents don't get pissed of course =.=). At least *I* am having fun with the people I love and care about.

Booyah.

Back to my Grey's Anatomy marathon *shamefaced* I swore never to jump ship but I did. I'm sorry House *wails*

Thoughts that might not make sense

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 18:29:17 GMT

I've always wondered.

I'm pretty cynical when it comes to things like TRUE LOVE!!!11!! That's not to say that I don't believe in it (because I want to believe in it but I'm cynical about it).

How do you know when you love someone?

I don't even know when I *like* someone. Sure, there are crushes. Sure, there is eyecandy. But how do you know, that you really really really like someone? Is it when you think about that person all day long? But there are times when I do that, but it's just a short infatuation. How do you know for sure that you really really *like* that person? So if *liking* is already an issue, how do you know about love?

And aren't there times when you think so much about the other person, and he doesn't pay you any attention, and you just think about him more? Is that liking? Or is it just a challenge thing? Like, he's not paying me attention, so I want it more.

Why do couples tell each other "I love you" so easily and then break up three weeks later, and find another person a week after the break up and tell that person just as easily, "I love you for ever and ever and ever" ?

I talk myself into things. Normal things, every day things, things that I might not necessarily like but I talk myself into liking them and in the end, I believe that I enjoy doing whatever it is I talked myself into doing. I don't get it when people say "I like you" and I'm like "how do you know you like me?" Maybe he's just talking himself into liking me. Maybe it's a challenge for him to want something from me. If I can talk myself into doing things and believing things, the other person can too. Maybe he's talking himself into liking me, and he doesn't know he's doing it and as a result, he thinks *for sure* that he likes me but in fact, he's just talking himself into it and he doesn't actually like me, he just thinks he does.

I'm sure I'll get lots of confused look when I say "You don't know you like me. You think you do but I know you don't know. I know that you don't know that you don't know."

XD

So, it brings me back to the question. How do you know that it's true love?

At this point, friends say "There you go, talking about things that makes no sense whatsoever."

And, "You're Meredith-Grey-ing. Shut up."

And an even simpler one, "Huh?!!?!?!?!?!?!"

XD

And why do people get together even though they didn't really like each other in the first place? Is it for attachment? For loneliness? And why is it even though you don't like your boyfriend anymore, that it's so difficult to let go?

Here's another question.

It makes me mad and pissed when guys hit on me and then when I reject them, I don't hear from them anymore. Like guys who were friends before. Is it normal? It hurts me actually. My viewpoint is like this. We are friends. This shouldn't stand in the way. For you to confess like that and just disappear from my life after such a small thing is frankly hurtful. It makes me think that you just wanted to get in my pants all along and when I didn't let you, you run off.

My friends say, my thinking isn't normal. It's natural. It won't ever be the same after someone confesses and gets rejected. It's only natural for them to find someone else. I shouldn't be hurt because they are the ones who were hurt more.

But the way I see it, why should it matter? Why should the friendship be a compromise? Unless of course, he wanted to get in my pants all along saw the friendship as just a pathway to something more, and when he didn't get it, he didn't mind cutting the friendship all together.

For the record, I don't think that true love doesn't exist, I just want to know how people know. I see long term couples, and some of them have that certain something going on. It's terribly terribly sweet. It's not the things he does for her or she does for him. There's just something else. Like how well they bond together, and how they communicate to each other. There's a difference between a couple who are truly truly soulmates, and one who got together because they *think* they like each other.

Ah well.

I'm delusional.

Here's a pretty picture of a church I found tucked in between the ugly grey concrete buildings of the busy city of Guangzhou.

And a green polar bear I saw in the Singapore Zoo.

And tortoises with a suicide pact

or

Turtle sex

And a shy bird

And my dog who has a death wish

And a sleeping Lab mix in the garden.

And a ninja turtle under a table.

Huzzah!

ETA: Just a small rec regarding a Saiyuki fic I just read. I've never read anything like this before. It's really good. There's something about the Buddhism (I have a feeling the author is a staunch Buddhist or read up a lot about it), and just how manipulative Kanzeon can be when she wants to. And implied Sanzo/Goku.
Kurai no Ame (Dark Rain).

There is a god!!

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 11:18:56 GMT

My sources have told me that the coffee shop nearest to my university has a shisha stall now.

Huzzah!!!!

Now I have the motivation to study.

XD

It ain't over yet~

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 18:12:23 GMT

So I should totally be sitting here writing about how happy I am (because I am because I think my friends have decided to kidnap me and make me happy!Bunny for this year and I'm happy really :D I'm writing gibberish) that I'm 20 and I think I've had a good life and a good family and good grades so far and I have great friends who are insane and make me feel at home and safe and all whoo!

nizlaili drew me a totally kickass picture of Konzen and Sanzo and Goku and gah, Konzen's hands!! (I've never told anyone but I have this thing for well-drawn hands and real hands as well and gah, his hands! so delicately holding the sake cup ~_~) I heart you ^_^

photoash sent me virtual ballooons. Hehe, I love em! Thanks :o))) (I loved playing Rollercoaster Tycoon and I always had lots of balloon stores and whenever I finish a challenge they would all release the balloons and I loved popping em. Uh huh.)

And renapares thank you for the ecard and the cute lil' doggies and the horsie and the sweet birthday wish :P

BACK TO SERIOUZ BIZNEZ!

I AM 20!

ARGH!

You'll have to excuse me for being so dramatic but I can be forgiven. Know why? This is from the girl who, at six years old, after a heavy dose of Peter Pan and a grandfather passing away, and a whole lot of thinking, told her parents, "I don't ever wanna grow up because I'll die and you'll die before me." And I cried about it. Seriously.

AAAA.

But I suppose I'm happy. If I weren't I wouldn't be smiling by myself now. I wouldn't have the sudden urge to continue my Gravitation fic. I wouldn't have the sudden urge to print out the picture that nizzie drew and colour it with colour pencils . Mmhmm. Which I totally will.

I was about to mope all by myself on Wednesday night (TWENTY D: D:) with my Emperor's New Groove on Disney and a cup of tea and happy messages about how "Oh you're 20 now. You're an ADULT now :) (EEEE!!)" and one message saying "You're a big girl now. Happy 21st birthday (WHAT.)" when Bean came over with her sister Bone, and they brought me a pretty little cake and two beers and took insane amounts of pictures. We, like, seriously, camwhored.

That was before. Last night, she kidnapped me again and we went to shisha, just the two of us. Like old times *snuggles and melts* It was fun, sitting by the shisha stand, talking to the lady manning the stall (she gave us two extra shisha(s?) for free, and she sat there telling us stories) and getting hit on by some drunkard and laughing about it and chatting and being girls until the parents started head hunting for us. Being stupid basically.

I have a party tonight ;o) I didn't have it yesterday because my cousin brother got married so I had a wedding dinner to attend (they knew the 11th was a good day oh yes), so my friends have decided to make it today. It's going to be super amazing cos' my high school friends will be there, my closest cousins will be there, and my uni friends will be there and my work friends ^_~

I have to go get ready. Iyaaa. Sorry for the giddiness XD

Happy Birthday!! ^_^ and a Happy New Year!!

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 05:37:50 GMT

Happy Birthday renapares ^^ !

Your posts are always thoughtful, and insightful, and I have this image of you chewing on a pen with your fingers poised on your keyboard every time I read your journal entries.

I hope you had a great 2006, and will have a good year ahead as well :o)

Something a little original that I wrote for you^^;;

I don't know why I'm so fascinated with the name Eliah. I think I like how it sounds when I say it.
Nothing but a stagnant memory.

All Eliah remembers from his past is the cold, cold snow, and a person, with a slow dangerous smile, offering him an elegant hand.

The person’s heart was black against the white of the snow.

He does not remember much; just the bleak grey of the sky, and the feeling of drowning. Meeting that person was like breaking the surface of the water and gulping air for the first time.

He had taken that hand, and fell into darkness.

He does not even remember how old he was then. All he knows is that his face had naught a hair, and his hands were tiny. They didn’t have jutted out veins like he did now. People passing by him use to say all the time, “My, what an angelic looking boy.”

He would smile at them, but the smile would soon curve into a frown.

He hated that word. Angelic. He was far from it.

He doesn’t mind it now.

Jack would smile now, if he heard that word, as if he knew better.

People’s smiles made him wary, made his heart quicken just a bit more, and made him stop in his tracks. He knew their intentions; he could see through their black, black hearts.

But the person did not smile. Oh no. The person stared at him, and he stared shamelessly back. “Everyone is selfish,” the person said. “It’s just a matter of how you manipulate others to get what you want.”

He thought long and hard about those words. It was true.

The girl who batted her eyelashes at him, and casually bumped into him, wanted his attention. The man who gave him things and food to eat wanted to charm him into his company to work for mere pennies. The couple who wanted to adopt him wanted to pour their love into someone they thought they always dreamed of having, but could not.

“Be grateful of what people give you. Show your gratitude.”

Eliah wanted to choke and cough out the bitter phlegm lodged in his throat ever single time they told him that.

“I can teach you,” the person said with a soft voice, and extended out a hand.

He took it without a moment’s hesitation.

They say time flies when you are having fun. But it flies faster when you are dead.

He was on auto pilot -- manipulating people was oh, so very easy. All it took was a carefully chosen smile, and elegant beautiful words. Nothing could stop him.

Swindling money was easy enough. He just had to play the gentleman for a while, and the ladies dropped bags of coins into his lap. All they needed was a kiss on the cheek, and some loving words whispered in the ear. He pretended to be a wealthy businessman to the lads, and they all invested into his so-called projects, hoping to reap a profit.

It became so easy, that it turned into a habit. He would be tricking his next victim without even knowing he was doing so.

Afterwards, he would stare at the money in disgust, and shove it down his pockets so he would not have to look at them. He gave all his pickings to that person. He never once touched the money; his food and lodging were provided for. His appearance… well, he did not have much care for the way he looked, but that person always made sure the clothes on his back were woven of the finest material possible; and the shoes on his feet so black until they shone.

Greed. So much greed on their faces. It was what spurred mankind. It was absolutely despicable. He had no qualms taking away their jewelry or money; all of them needed a lesson he was happy to teach.

When the first traces of hair started to dot his chin, there was always food on the table, and warm sheets waiting for him.

He was still hungry, no matter how many helpings of rice he ate. No matter how thick the sheets were, the cold wind would still get to him, and he would shiver, goose bumps riding up and down his arm.

He was still drowning, starved for the touch of someone’s warm hand, someone’s easy laughter, someone saying “It’s okay, come here,” every time he tripped over himself and fell to the ground.

There was no one waiting to pull him up when he hit the asphalt. He stood up on his own, brushed dust off his knees, and trudged on. Always, always, he’d be trailing after that person’s back, hoping for…something.

Anything. An acknowledgement of some sort. A nod, an offer to light up his cigarette; that was his form of payment. He would kill for that nod.

“Everybody has a hidden agenda”, the person said. “Regardless of stature, or looks, every single person has something to hide.”

“You have the perfect form for doing this. You trust no one. That is the most important thing. Trust no one.”

“Not even you?”

The person had laughed. It sounded beautiful to his ears, the only sound he thought worth listening to, the only thing worth striving for. “Least of all me,” the person had said, and beckoned Eliah near before caressing his cheek softly. “Do this and make me proud.”

For him, it was simply another job, another task the person had asked of him. Eliah always thought he hated smiles, but he badly wanted this person to smile back at him. He would do it, he said. He would kill, for her.

He could hardly remember the events after. One thing that stayed vividly in his mind was the cold barrel of a gun against his head, and the person holding that gun.

Those three seconds were the longest he’d ever endured in his short life.

It was also the first time he felt truly alive.

“Thanks for entertaining me all this while,” the person had smiled, and that smile reached until her ears.

Eliah had felt strangely detached, like he was staring at himself at gunpoint.

It was the end, he thought. He wanted to laugh. He thought that he was the puppet master, holding the strings and controlling the show, but the real whip was in that person’s hands. He was just another puppet in her little collection.

He welcomed it. If his death was what brought that smile to that person’s lips, then it was worth it.

Her finger moved down the trigger. He waited for the inevitable. The moment between the trigger was pulled and the bullet burst – he felt alive.

She had not granted him that wish.

He had woken up, bloodied and disoriented, in a back alley in some seedy neighborhood. The person had shoved him back down to hell, instead of the heaven he longed for. With the blood in his mouth, and a hobble in his walk, he limped down the street, his sight wavering.

He was not looking for anything in particular; he was just… walking.

He walked, and he walked. Sometimes, when he was hungry, he swindled food off some sympathetic old lady. Sometimes, when he was sleepy, he would sit down right where he was standing, be it the middle of a busy pedestrian walkway, or an empty road, and close his eyes.

Years passed by this way. He wasn’t happy or angry, nor was he lonely. He just simply…existed.

But there was one day.

One particular moment.

It was as if time stopped and woke him up, tapping him noisily on his shoulder. It was as if everyone else did not exist; only he and a man staring back at him. He looked eerily like that person, with the same stare, only with a softer look about him.

“You’re blocking my way,” the guy said, looking down at him.

He was tired. He didn’t feel like getting up. There was enough space on either side of him for cars to pass by without ramming into him. There was certainly enough space for the guy to move around him and move along his merry way.

“Sorry,” he said anyway. He got up slowly, ignored the groans of his knees, and shifted to another spot.

“In case you didn’t know, a tarred road is for cars to drive on.”

“I’ll be up in just a minute,” he replied. He eyed the guy warily. What did he want? It was none of his business, where he chose to sleep. He closed his eyes, and waited to hear the sound of the guy’s footsteps away from him.

Instead, he felt the cold shock of a soda can, as the guy pressed it against his hand. He opened his eyes and stared, dumbfounded, at the can.

“Bye,” the guy said, and walked off, swinging the plastic bag between his fingers against the blue of the sky.

Eliah was amazed. Eliah was shocked. Eliah was curious.

He was there the next day. He even picked the same spot he sat on, just to be on a lookout for that guy. He was sleepy, and starving. He hardly remembered having those feelings before. Before, even when he did not sleep for three days, his eyes would still be focused. His stomach was made of steel; it had lived on air for days before he decided to feed it. He hadn’t had the urge to eat or sleep. It was amazing how he felt like having a hamburger then.

Someone brushed past him. He looked up, squinted into the sun, and recognized the back of the man.

“Hey,” he cried out.

The guy stopped, turned around and raised one eyebrow. “What.” He said it after a moment of silence between the two. It was not a question.

He was surprised. Did this guy recognize him? “I’m the guy,” he said. “From yesterday.”

The man nodded. “I know,” he said, and turned his back again, ready to walk on.

“Hey!” Eliah scrambled up to his feet. He ran up to the guy and tugged on the hem of his jacket.

“I want a hamburger,” he said.

The guy stopped and stared, as if both amazed and amused by his brazenness.

“I’m hungry,” Eliah said. It was slightly absurd, he knew. But his stomach grumbled, and he had to listen to it.

Then, at last, the guy smiled. It did not reach his ears, but his eyes. He could see the twinkle in it. He decided that he liked the way the guy smiled. It was different. “Then what are you waiting for?” he asked Eliah, and walked on forward, leaving him behind.

Eliah had smiled. It was the first of many.

He hardly remembers the past. But he figures, what matters is the present, and the now.

^_^

Anyway, this year was a crossroads of sorts for me. I had a lot of growing up to do, I think. I was too attached to certain people, and although parting was hard, I think it did a lot of good for the both of us. I think, this year, I learned to let go. It's not always necessarily a bad thing. When two people get so close to each other until the point where we are always afraid that our next move will somehow hurt or offend the other person, it's time to take a step back. I patched up friendships with a few other people though, and I am amazed how close we've become in this short time. Love, well, I feel that I am already fulfilled with my friends and I don't need that other special person. Maybe it's because I haven't found that someone who can really understand me. (Or that I'm shallow, it could be that). But well, I am having fun so it can wait.

Happy New Year =)

Three more hours till I travel to Singapore ;P See you guys next year!

I love Christmas (and the presents that follow)

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 08:32:58 GMT

Camwhoring of a different sort:

T gave me a Very Irresistible Givenchy for Christmas this year. It was greattt, just what I (not so secretly) wanted =)) She popped by, knowing I was grounded, and together with Ed and WH, my friends since high school, they brought me out for a drink, skipping their movie session just to do that. I felt really really really touched. (insert emo-tear).

My sister gave me an Anna Sui Secret Wish this year, which was just what I (again, not so secretly) wanted =))) I love it!! It's all fruity and sweet, exactly what I love in fragrances. And the bottle is *shiny* and it *sparkles*. I don't know whether the fairy grants wishes or not, but I'll try and ask her;)

I love collecting perfumes, I have no idea why ^_~ I doubt I'll ever finish them though, but it's nice, seeing them all nice and pretty in a row. xD I have my Armani Night, which Bean gave to me last year for my birthday, my Morgan de toi which Bean and Panda gave to me last last year... you get the point.

I like smelling good.. ;D I wonder if my friends and relatives know that. >.>

I also like my men to smell good by the way .__________________.

My mum gave me a watch.

The black one, on the left ;D Ifs effing pretty, and shiny, and classic, and elegant which I heart. *hearts* I've stopped wearing watches in a long long time (and as a result, have the liberty to be late oh ho ho), but I guess I don't have the excuse not to anymore.

My ninja turtle of a cousin gave me a bookmark. ^_^. It's my favourite out of all the gifts I received because when a five year old tells me he picked it out speshully for me, my heart melts. Just a little. And because he told his mom "She likes reading and she hates insects!" And that's why it's a bookmark and that's why it has a ladybug on it.

*glee*

I would talk about my gifts for my friends but since there aren't any pretty pictures, I won't ;o)

Instead, a rec:

Human Eyeballs, The Takoyaki Vendor, and the Not Really Dead Cat- God, it's been a while since a good WA fic came along. It's been SO LONG. And this is wayyy up there in my It-is-just-so-damned-good-go-ahead-and-read-it-now-and-read-it-again list. The title kinda explains it all really.

I'm a witch!! (Heh heh)

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 06:11:01 GMT

I've been entertaining this idea for a while lately (probably due to too much chronicles about a guinea pig named Snow White that belongs to my cousin brother).

I’m a witch. Yah-huh. One of those evil, saggy-skinned, warty, cackly, potion-casting, cat-owning, spell-wielding beings you hear about in fairy tales.

Except I happen to have milky smooth skin with nary a scratch much less a wart on my body and I never cackle. My limit is at the level of a rambunctious laughter. I do not own a cat, but I happen to have a black Labrador, if it counts. Oh and I happen to have the features of a young Apollo, (if I may say so), not the cross-eyed snarl-y face of an old soddy grandmother. My cape happens to be shiny, black silk; none of those tattered rags, thank you.

But I am a witch, and I am evil, and I conjure spells.

It’s hard to be a witch nowadays though. People are always throwing things at my house; some even pee at my doorstep. But that’s okay; I’ve turned them all into frogs. Oh ho.

I have this great secret project.

I am going to change the image of us witches in the kingdom. No, not the fact that we are evil because we are, but the misrepresentation that all of us are old and warty is too much to bear, and I am going to change it.

And since I can't go out (ON CHRISTMAS EVE NO LESS THIS IS BLASPHEMY!), I'll bring the whole damned party to my bedroom balcony.

No parent is going to destroy my Christmas joy.

Guangzhou

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 10:10:33 GMT

I'm back~

This isn't the first time I've been to Guangzhou, but the second and it is still every bit as entertaining as I remembered. But 7 days of it and I have had more than enough. For one, I am not used to large crowds, and 22 million people in one city is too much. That's the whole population of my country by the way. I'm always jostling for space (and breathing air) with a hundred other people and I felt suffocated and claustrophobic after a while.

My camera went wonky though so not much pictures. The few I did take all have a pink tint. Damn it, because the places we visited was be-au-ti-ful.

On the third day (I think), we visited this refurbished palace somewhere off the outskirts of Guangzhou. All I can say is, duddeeee, the emperor has (had) a really huge house.

Took us 4 hours to round the whole place.

It's like a scene out of a movie, innit? Except for the pink sky, but that's my camera talking.

The statue of the Goddess of Mercy (or Kanzeon Bosatsu from Saiyuki, if you like). If you pray to her (as my family does), you aren't supposed to eat beef, but well... we do. Eheh. We don't eat it in the house though, if it counts ( I doubt it )

There was another one, in gold at the lotus lake.

I have no idea what it says on the two columns. Probably something about prosperity, longevity, something like that.

Oooh, Ming vases. And the painting above it is really pretty.

You know... the pink tint is really starting to annoy me.

Then we came to this wall. This reallly long wall (about 30 metres) and on it was a painting spanning the whole stretch. It's really really gorgeous, every little section of it was full of detail. A lot of monks were there looking at it for some reason.

My dad said there was something missing and refused to tell me what it was so I had to scrutinise the whole thing myself.

But I cheated. Heh heh.

I hung around this bunch of tour people, and listened to the tour guide speak. She pointed to this section of the wall (below) and pointed to the horse. It's head is missing. Nobody has any idea why, but it probably symbolises rivalry between two states.

Me thinks the painter ran out of brown paint.

The city is huggeee. Shopping was great, but the service pretty much sucked. The sales people (most of them, some were really nice) were rude and unhelpful. There was one shop where the saleslady got annoyed, screamed out "THOSE WHO REFUSE TO BUY, JUST GET OUT" and shot us dark looks, shoved one of my cousins, and bitched to the saleslady at the opposite store.

A-fucking-mazing.

So I happily told my mum in my broken Mandarin not to buy any of their stuff so they could hear, had a staring challenge with the crazy woman and bought all the stuff at another store nearby with the crazy person watching. Hah.

Bitch.

One saleslady called my sister an idiot when she wanted to buy a necklace.

Wtf??

After having been to Aussie where all the salespeople there ask "How are you today?" each time you pay for something, it's really really offputting to have someone grumbling and bitching while taking your money. I had a hard time getting used to that. Then again, it isn't really a thing to get used to. Hong Kong used to be like that, I think. If you walk in to a store, and come out empty handed, the salespeople there would scold you :/ But it isn't like that anymore.

The waitresses at the restaurants play frisbee with the cutleries and tableware when they set the table. Its really amazing watching them do it. Every plate and cup has a chip in it. It's their culture though, they are used to being frank (a lot of the times seemingly rude) to the customers, and the customers have no qualms shouting back. After a few minutes, all would be well again.

And since the city is so freaking overpopulated, they hire people for the simplest of jobs. In Mickey D's, there are the people manning the counters, there are the cleaners, there are the guards (apparently the crime rate is really high, although I felt safer there than in my own country), and there are the kitchen staff, yes? But there are also the people who look for seats for you, there are the people who make sure the queue isn't too long, there are the people who stand around and watch you eat, there are the people who speak to foreigners and foreigners only (although they didn't attend to me), and then there are the translators.

I'm guessing it will be pretty hard to look for a job there. According to our guide, at any given moment, 1000 people are fighting for one position. Yikes.

The drivers there are nightmarish =.= I thought my place was bad enough but obviously I had forgotten how crazy the traffic there is. Besides other cars, they have to look out for people, bikes, bicycles, crazy jaywalkers, and three-wheelers :/ Each time I crossed one road, I thanked every deity out there that I was alive. Green light does not mean you can walk, because the cars ignore the sign. When the traffic light turns red, it means go. When it turns yellow, it means go. There is no "stop" or "slow down" at the city. Nope. As a result, almost every car there (including all the luxury vehicles because they drive just as violently, if not more) has a dent or two.

I witnessed a car crashing into a bicycle. The owner of the bicycle glared at him, then cycled off merrily, as if it happened every day =.= Even the bicycles have dents. This is because they cycle along the main road, if not on the middle -______________________________-

The food was yummy. I had dim sum everyday, and it was gooooood. But yes, we Chinese people eat everything you can think of =.= I saw an aligator being hacked into small little pieces at a restaurant, I saw packaged snake meat at a mall, I saw a terrapin swimming around in the restaurant's aquarium (he is bound for the pot), I saw packaged star fish, I saw a stall selling dog and cat meat (EW), I didn't see any insects though (which is a good thing, I suppose). Gross.

And almost everything sold there can be bargained for(except for the high-end malls and shops). I have learnt how to do it. My dad have mastered it perfectly =.= He (he shops more than me, by the way, which is a good thing, because he can't nag and say that I spend a lot of money ;D) waltzed into a store, tried on shoes for almost an hour, decided to buy five pairs, and wanted it for 600 yuan, 30 yuan less than what the shopkeeper wanted. I think he had originally reduced it from 1000 yuan. They refused to give him, so he left the shop, all the wrapped shoeboxes laying there, plastic bags and all, saying he didn't want them anymore. They called him back, saying he could have it for 610 yuan, but he left again, saying he wanted it for 600, no more. In the end they gave it to him, grumbling and cursing under their breath. Wow.

It is a nice place to be though, really. Besides all the crazy, rude people I met, there are a lot of nice, friendly ones too.